Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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