Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
