Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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