This is not my ceiling
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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