Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
