This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
