Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
