Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
