I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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