Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
