3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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