somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
