so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You brought string cheese to the strip club
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
