Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize