You're my little dorito
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
