I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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