Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
