We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
