you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
