I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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