i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
