she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
