did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She's the barista slut.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize