I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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