I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize