its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
