Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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