When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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