you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
