is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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