Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
