Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
