My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize