If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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