Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
