It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
