My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
