my sisters under your porch take her home
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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