ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize