I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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