I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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