I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Randomize