shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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