Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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