Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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