i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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