There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
