How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
