so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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