He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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