I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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