none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
