i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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