I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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