In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
