ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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