thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
