You made me cry and you don't even care
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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