I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
