If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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