If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
